Mixed Emotions

We spent a fun filled week at Hume Lake this summer. Amy and Jeff, along with Kaitlyn, Kyle and Jack,shared the week with us.

Tony and I have spent at least one week each summer at Hume Lake for most of our 35 years of marriage. My family vacationed there in the 50's when I was a little girl, and I went to high school summer camp there in the 60's. Hume Lake is full of memories and brings many emotions to mind.

Amid all the fun of making new memories with my grandchildren, there are many linking objects - a normal part of one's grief journey. There are so many things and places that remind me of the 16 years we had with Scott. Tony went to Father-Son and Father-Daughter Retreats many times with the kids as they were growing up. Scott made the decision to make Christ the Lord of his life at Hume during one of those times with Tony. He made a commitment to be a tool for Christ his last summer at Hume.

We are grateful for friends who allow us to stay in their cabin each year. It too is filled with memories - as we summered and wintered there with family and friends. Tucking Kyle and Jack into bed upstairs one night, I told them, "You know, Uncle Scott slept right here in these beds when he was your age!" Their big eyes and wide grins were precious. How I wish Scott was here to meet his nephews and niece.

We took Kaitlyn, Kyle and Jack fishing one morning. Even the lake weed they reeled in linked me to Scott. He and his buddies were given "lake weed duty" by Dayn (camp dean and future youth pastor to Scott and Amy). Scott spent his free time one afternoon pulling lake weeds from the boat channel as a consequence for some of his ingenious pranks.


One morning we drove up to Buck Rock. We climbed the 172 wooden stairs that cling to that huge rock that stands at 8,500 feet. It was Kaitlyn and Kyle's first trip to the top to the fire lookout station. Scott's ashes went off the landing at Buck Rock.

The pile of rocks, placed there 13 years ago as an Ebenezer, are still there - a testament that we do not grieve alone. It was precious as Kaitlyn and Kyle helped me pick wild flowers to place on the pile of stones that are a memorial to Scott and represent the emotions of so many friends and family.

Kaitlyn's eyes filled with tears as she laid more flowers on the stones. She has such a tender heart. I remember when she was about five years old and we met with friends at this Ebenezer to begin the memorial bike ride. I was holding Kaitlyn's hand as we walked to this pile of stones to remember Scott before the ride. As the riders took off, Kaitlyn turned to me and said, "But where is he?" "Who?" I asked. She replied, "Uncle Scott - I thought he was going to be here today." That was the day she began to understand how we often groan in these earthly vessels to be reunited with our loved ones for all of eternity.

And quite honestly, groan is a good descriptor. I always enjoy my week at Hume, don't get me wrong. I love making new memories, and savor the old ones. But several times during our week at Hume, I found myself fighting back many emotions - sorrow in Scott's absence, thankfulness for the years we had him, and at times - protest, that Scott should be here to enjoy this with us, to be present with his niece and nephews, to ride the Buck Rock ride with Tony one.more.time.

Buck Rock

Do you know the hymn Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing? Ever wonder what the words "Here I raise my Ebenezer" in the second verse mean? This hymn was written over 250 years ago, and I imagine many who sing it do not know what Ebenezer means.

Written by Robert Robinson in 1758, the reference to raising an Ebenezer refers back to I Samuel 7:12 in the Old Testament.

Samuel took a stone and . . . named it Ebenezer, saying

"Thus far has the Lord helped us.”

The spot where Samuel placed this stone or monument is the exact place where the Israelites had been defeated again and again by the Philistines. The day Samuel builds a small pile of stones and names the place Ebenezer is the day in which God gave the Israelites victory over the Philistines.

In the original Hebrew, an Ebenezer means stone of help. It is a monument, a reminder of God’s presence and provision in a time of difficulty.

Buck Rock, pictured here, stands high in the Sierra Nevada Mountains at 8,500 feet. One of the last standing fire lookouts sits atop this huge stone. Buck Rock also marks many trail heads for awesome mountain bike runs.

Buck Rock is my Ebenezer. It is a reminder of God’s incredible comfort in a time of deep sorrow. Buck Rock is where . . .

• Tony and Scott often began their mountain bike treks.
• Tony, Amy and I, with a host of friends, scattered Scott's ashes from a high crevice in 1996.
• Friends gathered rocks to build a memorial to Scott, which still stands today after 17 years. (One of the rangers who works the fire lookout frequently tends to the memorial as she remembers the young boy who would come up to ride.)
• We still gather to remember Scott and rejoice in the blessed reunion yet to be.

Buck Rock, my Ebenezer, does not deny my pain, but rejoices in the hope of things yet to come. Buck Rock can be a painful reminder that Scott no longer rides with Tony, but we know from the pile of stones that remain as a memorial that we do not bear this burden alone. Buck Rock, an incredible monolith, would slide off the side of the mountain were it not for the massive shelf rock that lies beneath it.Likewise, our faith and hope is built upon The Solid Rock. 

How glorious it is many mornings to look east over our back fence and see the outline of Buck Rock, rising from the crest of the mountains off on the horizon. I raise MY Ebenezer, a reminder of God's strength in my weakness, God's comfort in my sorrow, God's promise of victory even in my difficult times.